Equilibrium
by beautifool
Summary: A fullbodied fic with a heady aroma of JayneRiver and slight undertones of JayneKaylee and KayleeSimon. Post Serenity. Yes, there are spoilers. Comments appreciated! complete
1. Chapter 1

In the black, there were no full moons. Or, rather, they were all full… and Jayne Cobb wanted to howl at every one.

Serenity had changed, and Jayne was restless. This boat was his home—more than any other place he had ever been—more than two years, and no on e had chased him off yet. Not successfully. He knew this boat like he knew his own hands. It was part of him. And it had changed.

Jayne didn't like change.

Zoe was quiet. She had always been quiet. Dry. But used to be that she had a light in her eyes that would shine whenever Wash was around.

That light had died.

Jayne wondered if Zoe had even cried. He doubted it. The idea had something wrong about it. He couldn't imagine anything close to tears coming out of those sharp, calculating eyes.

He almost wished she would, though. It was downright spooky, the way she stalked around the boat like a scarecrow. Even Kaylee couldn't get her to smile these days.

'Course… Kaylee hardly ever left the engine room these days. If she did, it was to go to her bunk, or the doc's bunk, or to sit at the kitchen table giving googly eyes to each other and feeling each other up under the table. There were banging noises constantly coming from the engine room lately, and Jayne doubted many of them had to do with the engine.

The doc. Gorram doc. Jayne had never really tried anythin' with Kaylee. But he'd wanted to sometimes. After all, she was still a woman. She still had…

And to have to doc chosen over him. Gorram doc. He wasn't much, with his soft hands and combed hair. Fussy. Jayne was all set to stop hatin' him after what he'd done an Ariel. Even more set after what he'd done with the Reavers. Almost proved he was worth his manly bits.

And then he had gone and made that torch Kaylee was carrying for him into a gorram bonfire. Had her swooning around like a gorram June bride.

To have ruttin' reavers… _reavers_… bring two people together. That was a story for the pups.

Reavers.

Jayne lifted the barbell more forcefully. Faster. Tried to ignore the shiver in his belly and the sting in his shoulder.

He saw their faces at night. Bloody and wrong. Woke up in a cold sweat, groping for Vera. He could still smell them. Still smell the sharp fear on himself. The sure knowledge that he was gonna die.

There was another picture that slid into his brain. Another picture that made him shiver and came, unasked, at the worst times.

River. Standing, bodies at her feet, weapons at her sides. River, fighting, breaking jaws graceful as you please—long white limbs, weapons.

Jayne's mind strayed toward thoughts of other tasks he could put those limbs to and he growled, letting the barbell drop into place with a crash.

He stat up, wiping the sweat from his eyes with his shirt, and froze.

River was standing not six feet away, staring at him with wide eyes, her mouth hanging open slightly.

Jayne stared back. "_What_?" It came out as a growl.

River's eyes widened even more, and she turned, running up the stairs two at a time.

xxx

That wasn't her. That girl, with the wild hair and long legs. That girl who…

He…

"Mules are _sterile." _ She knit her brows, looking at Simon earnestly.

Simon's gaze slowly came away from the game of chess he was playing with Kaylee. "… Yes?"

"Checkmate!" Kaylee whooped and jumped up, bumping the table with her thighs. The chess pieces fell.

Simon turned his attention back to the board. "No!"

"I beatcha, doc! Spanked ya proper, too!" Kaylee's face was glowing.

"No!" Simon was play angry as he jumped up.

A pawn rolled across the table and nudged River's fingers, which were played across the scarred wood.

Simon demanded a rematch, which, as far as River could tell, involved him and Kaylee counting one another's teeth.

She signed and picked up the pawn, carefully placing it upright.

"Fall ruins everything. It breaks the equilibrium and leaves nature reeling, falling to pieces."

Kaylee giggled as Simon dragged her across the table, scattering the chess pieces everywhere.

River ignored the dirty things her brother was thinking and the thrill that Kaylee was feeling and tried to understand the joy coming from them both. She got up from the table, the pawn clutched in her fist, digging into her palm.

xxx

"It smells like a wet llama in here." Mal narrowed his eyes.

"Ya ever smelled a wet llama, Cap'n?"

Inara folded her hands in her lap and smiled at Kaylee. "I have. And it smells like a wet llama." She cast a pointed, if delicate look at Jayne's socked feet.

Jayne slid his feet off of the table and pulled his boots back on.

The doc snorted. Jayne shot him an ugly look.

Mal leaned against the chair Inara was sitting in. Inara looked down at her hands delicately, but Jayne could see the look in her eyes.

Everything was gorram changing.

"'Bout this time tomorrow, we'll be hittin' atmo' on Amante. We'll be stoppin' for a bit for some supplies and to take it easy for a spell." Mal avoided looking at Zoe, who was staring stonily at the table. "Might pick up a few jobs from a contact I've got there. We've still got some repairs that need to be done."

Nobody spoke for a bit. Jayne knew they were all thinking of why those repairs needed to be done and all wantin' them to not have to be.

Kaylee lifted a tentative hand—the one that weren't tied up with the doc's soft fingers. "Uh… Cap'n?"

Mal jerked his chin at her.

"How long we stayin' for?"

Mal cleared his throat. "'Bout a week. Maybe two."

Jayne stared at him. "Two _weeks?"_

Mal's eyes shifted from Kaylee to Jayne.

"We ain't never got a week on no rock before."

"Well, I reckon we ain't never been in a situation like this, neither." Now Mal's eyes flicked to Zoe and back to Jayne. "We all need a little time."

"Yeah, but why _this _rock? Ain't nothin' _on _Amante worth stayin' a week fer. Why not Persephone, er—"

Zoe cut him off. She had lifted her head and was looking at Jayne with those hard eyes. "Wash's brother lives on that 'rock.' I think he deserves to be told to his face that his brother's dead, don't you?"

Her stare was enough to make even Jayne shift in his seat.

There was silence again.

"Any more questions?"

Jayne refused to look away from the hard look Mal was puttin' on him.

Finally, Mal looked around at the rest of the crew.

No one said a word.

"Good. Glad we got that cleared up. We'll be stayin' in town. Got a nice little place there. Don't care what or who you do with your time," He looked back at Jayne, who smiled and folded his arms behind his head. "Just don't get killed and don't get caught."


	2. Chapter 2

River stared at the ceiling, feeling the buzz of this ship around her. It was stronger when the ship was quiet. It felt like hunger. That's how she would have explained it if anyone had asked her. It was easier to ignore while she was doing something else, but when she was alone at night, it all came up in her head, gnawing at the corners of her brain. Making it hard to think her own thoughts and feel her own feelings.

Hard to ignore, then.

She was getting to where she could match feelings with people. It was hard when she had first gotten on the ship, but now she had gotten to know the shapes of everyone's minds. No, "shapes" was the wrong word. But they weren't colors, either. Or tastes. Sounds. But they were that, too.

Inara's thoughts were soft. Rounded. A deep, rich red that smelled like heady incense and tasted like honey. River liked her thoughts. They felt warm. Right now she was trying to sleep. Trying not to think of where she should be or what she should do. Trying not to think about the Captain, who was trying not to think about her.

His thoughts were colder than Inara's. They were brown and dusty and smelled like smoke. They tasted almost bitter. Earthy. Sustaining.

River didn't like to stay on Zoe's thoughts very long. She tried to push them aside. They'd lost their flavor since Wash never came back. They'd lost that hint of green. That smell of hay. They were gray, now. Quiet. She was sitting in a chair in the bunk they used to share. She refused to sleep in the bed without him. She refused to sleep.

River missed him. She missed what he had made Zoe.

River missed Zoe, too.

And she missed Shepherd Book. There were still pieces of him around the ship. He'd had a bigger influence on the Captain than he would probably ever admit. She missed his thoughts. Brown, like Mal's. But darker. Richer. More complete. They sounded like music and poetry. There were dark corners. Locked corners that even River never caught a glimpse of.

Kaylee's thoughts were wide open and loud. Soft and thick as a combed wool. They were as warm as Inara's. Differently warm, though. They were warm like a spot of sunlight on the floor. Golden and glowing. Summer and fresh apples.

There was more Simon in her now.

Simon's thoughts were familiar. Cool. Blue. Sleek. His thoughts smelled like water—fresh water and the soap that the maid used to use on their underwear. There was Kaylee inside of him, too, shining off of the sleek surfaces and turning silver into gold. Warming what River knew she had turned cold.

They were in Kaylee's bunk tonight. And they were happy. Imagining forever and now and everything in between.

River turned on to her side.

Jayne was asleep. Even while he was sleeping, though, his thoughts were loud. Plain. Louder even than Kaylee's, and warm like alcohol. They smelled musky. Heavy. They were dark and velvety and River couldn't help but curl up in them sometimes.

Then she had caught that thought of his that morning. It was warmer than usual. Hot. And there was white against the black.

Her arm. Her leg. Her neck.

Broken images, but she got the sense of what he was thinking.

It scared her.

It scared her to have that big, loud mind thinking about her in a way that didn't involve getting her off the ship. And it scared her to see a flash of herself standing shin-deep in _them_, with blood dripping from the weapons in her hands.

She didn't remember that. Not the way he did.

A flash of pain and red seared across her mind suddenly and she heard a scream. Not heard. Felt.

Jayne was having nightmares again.

Worse than usual.

She caught a split-second image of a face. One of _their _faces, torn and bloody and hardly a face.

Sweat had come suddenly to her palms and her forehead. She could feel her heart slamming in her chest, infinitely faster than a rabbit's.

Calm down, Jayne. Calm down.

She groped for Kaylee. For Simon. For someone familiar to concentrate on.

Another scream. A slash of pain in her shoulder. Faces. More faces. More screaming.

_STOP! _She was shaking, pushing feebly against this nightmare she was sharing. She felt bile rising in her throat and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of her bed, putting her sweat-slick feet on the humming floor of Serenity.

Serenity. Serene. Calm. She tried to take deep breaths, but she could hardly remember how.

She had no idea how much time had passed before she found herself stumbling down the hallway. She reeled against a wave of nausea—another image—and groped down the hall. The hatch to Jayne's bunk was unlocked. She could hardly grip the bars of the ladder—could hardly see them.

Another image. A woman. Jayne's mother. They had been there.

River slid off of the bottom rung and fell to her knees, shaking and clutching her stomach.

_Wake up._ She was pleading. Feeble. _Please wake up._

She didn't know if she was talking to Jayne or to that image of his mother.

She crawled across the floor. He wasn't moving. His dream was too deep for him to be moving. Deep and suffocating.

"Jayne." Her voice was weak. Too weak to reach him under all that blood.

She pulled herself up on her knees and reached out a trembling hand—too pale to be hers—to touch his shoulder.

He jerked awake with a gasp. "_Tian sha de e mo!__1_"

River withdrew her hand as he reached for a gun. She was so relieved to have the nightmare gone that she hardly noticed he was pointing it at her.

xxx

Jayne was shaking. Sweating so badly he could hardly grip the gun.

River slowly stood up and smiled. "We were having a bad dream."

Jayne blinked at her—quickly trying to clear his eyes so he could see her straight.

"What?"

River looked at the gun. Jayne lowered it slowly, his heart still pounding in his chest.

"What the gorram hell are you doing in my bunk?"

"We were having a nightmare. I had to find you or we would have drowned." River stood still, looking down at him, her pale skin almost glowing in the faint light.

Jayne knew he had had a nightmare. It was gettin' to be that he had one every night. Or maybe they just stuck with him so long that it just felt like they were every night.

He closed his eyes and rubbed them with his free hand. An unwilled image of his mother… his mother all…

His eyes snapped open and he found River sitting on the bed next to him. He moved back so quickly that he scraped his back against his guns.

"Git off my bed! What are you thinkin' about, you moonbrained-"

"Don't think about it anymore." Her voice was soft. "Please."

_Think about what?_ He thought suddenly about seeing her standing by him this morning, just after he had been thinking about—

"No. Your mother. _Them._ Don't think about it anymore. Let it go. Like dust. Keep the wind at your back." She held her hand up, palm open in front of her face, and blew across it. She smiled again.

She was pretty when she smiled.

"River?"

Jayne's eyes widened as he looked past River toward the open hatch to his bunk. The doc was up there.

"River, where are you?"

And sounding frantic.

River turned away, following Jayne's gaze.

"_River?"_

"Simon!" She jumped up, sounding downright joyful.

Jayne should have shot her.

There was a pause, then the sound of running footsteps. The doc dropped into the room before Jayne even had time to figure out where his pants were.

"River!" He rushed over to her, grabbing her shoulders. Moonbrained girl threw her arms around him like it was a hug. The doc hugged her back, glaring at Jayne over her shoulder, then pulled away to look into her face.

"Are you alright?"

River looked back at Jayne.

Jayne really should have shot her. _Ruttin' hell. Don't _look _at me. _He pulled his blanket up. Made him feel womanish. _I ain't got nothin' to do with this, girlie. Don't you make him think I did, or Mal will have me spaced before you can say "crazy-ass trouble maker."_

"Yes. We're alright."

"_We?_" Jayne jerked forward, hardly noticing how the blanket fell around his waist.

The doc noticed. So had River, who was looking at the blanket area with her head tipped to the side. The doc grabbed River and turned her away, his eyes shootin' daggers at Jayne.

_Ai ya. _

"Ain't no ruttin' '_we', _doc." Jayne fumbled as he pulled the blanket back up. "I didn't… She…

"_Gorram girl came down here herself!"_

"River?" The doc shifted to look at River, whose back was still to Jayne. "River, are you okay?"

"Damn right, she is!"

The doc turned his darts on Jayne for a minute, then looked back to River.

"River?"

River nodded.

"Are you sick?"

River shook her head. "Not anymore."

Another sharp look from the doc.

There was something wrong about being threatened with getting spaced when he weren't wearing no pants. Why couldn't the gorram girl just say it clear. She came into his room while he was sleeping and started babblin' about drowning and dust and…

The way she was talkin' and the way she kept looking at him made it sound like he had been doin' somethin' creepified to her.

River turned her head to look at Jayne. Hair was falling across her eyes. Black on white.

"I'm sorry."

She turned back to the doc, who was still glaring at Jayne. Jayne almost wondered if the doc was gonna hit him.

It was a pretty amusing thought. Would've made him smile in lighter circumstances.

"I'm alright. Really."

She took the doc's hand and started pulling him toward the ladder on the wall.

The doc finally took his eyes off of Jayne and followed her.

Jayne sat back as the hatch closed. He folded his hands behind his head, stretching his legs out, trying to relax.

Gorram girl worried him.

She didn't have no excuse to be comin' into his bunk in the middle of the night. He didn't lock the hatch, on account of maybe needin' to get out quick-like. He didn't want to lock the hatch, neither.

Why had she shown up then?

He closed his eyes, then reopened them with a jolt when he started nightmarin' again.

He shifted, rolling onto his side, tucking his arms around himself. Then he closed his eyes again. Conjured up somethin' pretty to think about.

River. Dancing. Smiling. The girl moved like wheat.

He could almost hear her laugh before he fell asleep.

xxx

"You're really okay?" Simon was worried.

River turned and smiled at him. She nodded.

"What were you doing in there?"

She shrugged. She didn't know any more words to explain it. "I needed to help."

Simon was silent for the rest of the way back to their rooms. But she could feel his worry. She felt it, and wondered about it, and couldn't blame him.

She was worried, too.

Simon reached around her and slid the door to her bunk open for her.

Kaylee was on her hands and knees, wiping the floor. She stood. Pulled River into a hug that jarred her, and put a hand on her forehead. "Are you sick?"

River thought about it. Shook her head. "I don't think so."

"We were awful worried about you." Kaylee pulled River over to the bed and sat her down, then sat next to her, fussing over her hand. "We just looked in to check on you. Make sure you was sleepin' okay. And you weren't here, and…" She gestured vaguely at the spot on the floor that she had been cleaning.

Simon was taking her pulse.

River looked at him curiously.

"Do you remember getting sick?" He dropped her hand and sat on the other side of her.

River sandwich.

River narrowed her eyes at him. "Sick?"

She looked at the spot on the floor. Remembered doubling over as she sat on the edge of her bed.

"Oh."

"You're bleedin'!" Kaylee's voice was shrill.

River stared at her as Simon wheeled around her, searching every inch of her for wounds.

"Bleeding?"

"Your knees." Simon was crouching in front of her. River shifted her eyes over to him as he gently lifted the edge of her skirt.

He looked up at her. "Did you fall?"

She was dancing.

River looked down at him. She chewed on her lower lip.

"It's only a matter of time."

1 "Gomn monsters!"


	3. Chapter 3

They hit atmo' even before Mal had predicted.

He tended to fly faster than Wash had.

Jayne was wrapping one of his guns up in a shirt. He set it down real careful in the bottom of his bag and piled a few more shirts on top of it.

"What's that fer?"

Kaylee's head was sticking over the edge of the hatch.

Jayne looked at her and shrugged. "Never know when yer gonna need to shoot someone."

Kaylee lifted her eyebrows and disappeared for a moment, then reappeared, sashaying down the ladder. Jayne watched her hips sway. Let her see him lookin' before he turned back to his bag.

"Packing grenades too? Bet you have 'em folded up real cozy in a stack of unders."

Jayne looked at her and grinned. "Don't got no unders to fold 'em in."

Kaylee laughed.

"Cap'n wanted me to let you know we hit atmo. Won't be long 'fore we land." She picked a pair of socks off of the bed and folded them together.

Jayne watched her. "Yeah. I could feel it. Mal ain't as good at flyin' as Wash was."

Kaylee set the socks in his bag. "No, he ain't. But he ain't the one flyin'. River is."

"River? That girl'll kill us all. Likely to freak out and crash us into somethin'. Mal really think that's a good idea?"

Kaylee was lookin' at him hard. "River ain't gonna hurt us. She's a real smart girl. At least she has somethin' to do now, stead a wanderin' around the ship all ghost-like. You should be nicer to her, ya know? Give the poor girl a chance." She threw another pair of socks into the bag and turned toward the hatch.

_Ai ya. _

"Kaylee, I didn't mean no harm by it. I'm just sayin' is all."

Kaylee paused halfway up the ladder. "She's a real nice girl, Jayne. Give 'er a chance to show ya."

Jayne watched her disappear through the hatch.

He picked up the rest of his socks and threw them into his bag.

"Ain't no good gonna come from that."

xxx

"There's a field right over there." Zoe leaned over River and pointed. "Should be empty this time of year. We can set down there."

River adjusted the trajectory of the ship a little.

She kept her mind on flying. It was hard with Zoe so close. This place reminded her of Wash. Stirred something in her and made all her dead emotions start to wake up again, all pins and needles.

River tried to concentrate.

Zoe paced back and forth behind her, watching her.

"Zoe, you're makin' me nervous. Prob'ly makin' our little albatross plenty nervous, too." Mal came up the stairs behind them. He put one hand on River's shoulder.

Even River hadn't expected that. The Captain never touched her deliberately. Never without a reason.

Things were changing.

River smiled to herself and let her head tilt a bit toward Mal's arm in recognition.

"Why don't you go make sure the cargo's secured? Don't want any unnecessary rumblin' when we land."

River could hear Zoe's boots on the stairs. Feel her mind lighten a little.

The Captain dropped into the co-pilot chair. "You're doin' mighty good, little albatross."

River could feel his smile. She turned and smiled back at him.

"Thanks."

He nodded and turned to look out the window. "You comfortable settin' her down?"

"Just like picking her up. Only backwards."

Mal nodded again. "Just like it."

River made a few more adjustments.

"They expectin' us?"

"Zoe called."

Mal sighed. "This ain't gonna be fun."

River glanced over at him. He was looking at the resin dinosaurs still sitting on the console.

She looked back out the window. Just like picking her up.

xxx

"Welcome!" There was a little man waitin' with a little woman down at the bottom of the ramp.

Zoe went down first, wrapping him in a hug. She moved to the little woman next, kissing her on the cheek.

Jayne came down with Kaylee, Inara, and the doc. Mal and River were still settin' things right on the bridge.

"Well I can't say I'm not surprised to see you."

He man looked from Zoe to the rest of the crew. "I recognize a few of these faces from the wedding." He grinned. "Some, I don't, though." He moved up the ramp to shake everyone's hand.

When he got to Jayne, he grinned widly. "Nice to see you again, Jayne."

He looked a lot like Wash—red hair, real light skin. Grin like an idjit.

Jayne shook his hand and tried to smile. "You too."

Gorram, this was hard.

He was talkin' to the whole crew again. "My name is Dallin. This lovely lady," he moved down the ramp and put his arm around the little brown-haired woman, "is my wife, Lily."

Jayne could see now that she had a real Asian look to her. Small and pretty. She smiled. Had a real sweet smile. "Nice to meet you all."

"Damn right, it's nice to meet you all." Dallin grinned even wider and pounded Zoe's shoulder. "Been a long time."

Zoe smiled. It looked pained. Real drawn out.

"Well we can't just stand here staring at each other while they get everything taken care of up there." Dallin nodded toward the inside of the ship. "You all come inside. We don't have much room, but I figure after staying on that ship for God knows how long, you don't mind cramped quarters. And our house doesn't smell like cows. Which, I'm sorry to say, yours does."

He said this with such seriousness that Kaylee and Inara laughed despite the weird, off- balanced tension.

He grinned and turned back to Zoe. "I don't think you've even seen this house yet. We moved to Amante after you got married, and God knows we haven't seen you since."

His words were like gunshots. Worst part was, he didn't even know they were.

Dallin beckoned for all of them to follow him and turned toward a house in the distance, one arm around his wife, the other gesturing wildly as he spoke with Zoe.

Jayne followed, lagging a bit behind the rest of the crew, who were walking slowly so that Zoe could talk with her brother-in-law.

"This is hard." Kaylee's voice was real quiet. "He looks so much like him. Even talks like him."

Jayne tried not to care about how the doc's arm that slipped around her waist.

Zoe looked back at them as she stepped into the house. They stopped following.

She was gonna tell him. Person needed privacy for that.

Inara reached for Kaylee's hand and linked her fingers with hers.

Jayne crossed his arms, lookin' real close at his boots.

Mal and River showed up not long after Zoe had gone inside. River was looking at the doorway to the house. Mal was avoiding looking.

"She tellin' him?"

Someone must have nodded, because Mal turned away and started walking back to the ship.

"We've got no business hangin' around, then. Best leave them to their business."

A shout came from the house like it was answerin'.

Kaylee was cryin'. So was Inara. Jayne could hear them snifflin' as they followed Mal back towards the ship. The doc was rubbin' Kaylee's back. Inara's arm was around her waist.

Jayne held back, tryin' to breathe around the tight feelin' in his chest. He concentrated on his boots making clouds in the dirt. Another pair of boots joined his. Smaller ones.

River reached her hand over and slipped her fingers into Jayne's.

He squeezed them. No one said a word.


	4. Chapter 4

Jayne let go of River's hand as they neared the ship. She spread her fingers. Turned them over, examining them for traces of him. She lifted them to her nose.

There he was. He'd rubbed off on her.

Jayne put his hands in his pockets. She folded hers in front of her, saving the smell of tobacco and leather and sadness for later.

The Captain had the mule waiting for them. Inara was sitting in the front seat, her eyes still a little red and her hand close enough to the driver's seat that the Captain could have touched it if he'd wanted to.

River knew he wanted to. But he wouldn't

River climbed into the back, squishing herself between the wall and Simon. Kaylee was trying not to cry anymore. Simon was holding her hand, stroking it from her wrist to her knuckles and back again.

River watched it until it occurred to her that the mule wasn't moving. She looked at Jayne, who was still standing with his hands in his pockets.

He was looking at the Captain. "Mule can't carry more th'n five."

"We ain't got a payload. Should be fine, if ya don't mind hangin' on."

"Nah." Jayne nodded at a spot over River's shoulder. River turned. She could see the town on the horizon—black specks barely higher than the ground.

"I kin walk. Ain't too far."

River's eyes went from the pepper specks on the horizon back to Jayne.

He was looking at her.

She caught a flash of light. A shooting pain. Being pulled from somewhere.

Fear.

Hands. Lips. A white arm.

Fear.

Sinking. A laugh. A moan.

River's skin jumped.

"You okay?"

She turned toward the voice. Simon was looking at her now.

She nodded because she didn't know what else to do.

"We've got rooms at the Blue House." Mal had started the engine. They were drifting forward. "Plannin' on meetin' up with Zoe in town 'round suppertime, if yer interested."

Jayne nodded, but he wasn't looking at Mal. He wasn't looking at River, either. He was just looking. At the pepper specks.

River turned again to see what was so interesting about them.

The mule seemed to get the same idea and turned with her.

She looked back as they sped toward the town.

Jayne was still standing there, arms across his chest, watching them go. Wash's living brother's house was behind him. And Serenity. All laid out like a capture.

River captured it. Held it in her mind as she turned back around and squinted against the wind.

She lifted her fingers to her nose and breathed.

xxx

Jayne didn't like it. He didn't like the tight feelin' in his chest, like someone was standin' on him. He didn't like having to shake that man's hand like his brother weren't dead. He didn't like wantin' to turn around and see Wash standin' there, grinnin' like an idjit an' sayin' somethin' stupid.

He didn't like that the tight feelin' in his chest wasn't all on account of Wash.

And he didn't like that, from the second those little fingers went between his, that feelin' started to go away.

Ai ya.

The mule was real tiny now. He kicked a rock, like it had done somethin' to 'im.

"_Ni ta ma de tian xia suo you de ren dou gai si."_

He started walkin'.

xxx

River laughed. Less at what the Captain had said than at the sound of hearing Zoe laugh again.

"And he had this awful moustache. It was huge. You could hardly see his face. Scared the hell out of me."

"She made him shave it off less than a week after we hired 'im."

"It was terrifying! Who knew what he was hiding in there? It was for the security of the ship."

"Weren't long after that I started hearin' real peculiar noises comin' from her bunk. And his bunk. And the bridge." Mal's eyes were glowing as he laughed.

He should laugh more often.

Zoe's smile was like firelight. "He had a real pretty face under that rat."

River basked in it.

"Hey, sailor."

River turned toward Kaylee's voice. She was looking toward the door. River turned.

Jayne dragged a chair from a table near by and straddled it, crossing his arms over the back.

"Did I miss anythin' good?"

"Ah, just reminiscin'." Mal slid his bottle of whisky in Jayne's direction.

Jayne caught the bottle and looked at Zoe. "'Ja tell 'em about when ya caught 'im with his dinosaurs the first time?"

The Captain and Zoe started laughing again. So hard the Captain had to wipe his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

Everyone else laughed with them, even though they didn't know the story yet.

"So—" Zoe caught her breath. "So I walk onto the bridge one day. I don't remember if it was before or after we…" She cleared her throat. "Got acquainted…"

"After! After. That's what made it so ruttin' funny!" Mal had his arms crossed over his chest and was leaning back in his chair.

"After, then. Well I walk on the bridge one day just to check on things, and there's Wash, sitting in his chair. I must've been pretty quiet or he must've been pretty tied up in what he was doin'," this started Mal and Jayne laughing again, "because he didn't hear me come up the stairs.

"All I see…" Zoe started laughing again as she spoke. River grinned at the music it made. "All I see is him, moving something around in his lap. And he's talkin'."

Everyone was laughing again now.

"And the things he's sayin'!" She lowered her voice into Wash's T-Rex voice. "'I'm the one in charge now. If I say jump, you jump. If I say go, you go when and where I tell you,'" Zoe could hardly get the words out, she was laughing so hard, "'Or I'll bite your head clean off! Now get up, you puny weakling!'"

She completely dissolved, her shoulders shaking.

The whole table was shaking.

"And so I'm thinking, 'what kind of messed up _fei fei de pi yan_ do I have drivin' our boat!' Never _mind_ my personal feelings on the matter!"

"Oooooh, you ain't never seen a man so red." Mal sat back again, sighing through his grin.

"He couldn't do nothin' but stutter to anyone for a few hours." Jayne was grinning along with the rest of them. "Zoe let 'im keep his dinosaurs out in the open from then on."

"Well it got rid of a good deal of confusion." Zoe sighed, her smile still on her face.

Everyone was quiet for a minute. Still smiling, though. Strange, how he could make them all so happy. Just like he was there.

River closed her eyes. Let the warm buzz of Wash fill up her brain.

"Dallin wants to have a party for him." River opened her eyes. Zoe's smile was smaller now. Softer. But still there in her eyes. "He figures that he wouldn't want us to sit around feeling all sorrowful about him. He'd rather see us havin' a good time." She took a drink from her glass and set it back on the table. "I'd have to say I agree with him."

The Captain nodded. "Seems fittin'."

"He wants to have it tomorrow night. He says that'll give him plenty of time to round up the guests and have his wife make up some food."

"We're here to help, of course. Whatever's needed." Inara's voice was soft. Firm.

River rolled the double meaning of what she had said over in her mind. She smiled. Liked the shape of it.

So did Zoe. "I know." It was so good to see her smile. "Thank you."

River pulled her knees up to her chest, pressing the heels of her boots into her chair. She wrapped her arms around her legs and put her cheek on her knees. She closed her eyes, and wished for more nights like this.


	5. Chapter 5

Jayne couldn't sleep. By the time he'd gotten to the place they were stayin' at, everyone had already split up the rooms. He had been left with the room next ta the one Kaylee and the doc was sharin'.

Well. It was supposed ta be Kaylee an' Inara's room. The doc was supposed ta be holed up with River across the hall, but that had gone out the window.

Jayne heard a low moan comin' from the wall.

Either that or things were changin' more than he thought.

Not that he minded the thought of Kaylee an' Inara…

Something started thumpin' against the wall he shared with Kaylee's room.

_Gao yang zhong de gu yang._ He was in hell. Whose gorram idea was it to put him in here?

He put a pillow over his head.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Gave him the creeps to be hearin' all that as well as he was. Wasn't that he minded thinkin' of Kaylee. Frequently did. But… the doc?

Hell no.

He gave up when the thumping got faster and harder.

The hall was empty when he stepped out into it. Still lit, though.

There weren't no one in the lobby except a clerk, who looked half-asleep.

Strange how little towns like this seemed to fold up after dark. Hardly anyone on the street, even.

'Cept River. She was sittin' on the steps of the porch, starin' at nothin' in a way that made Jayne almost certain she was starin' at somethin'.

He watched her for a bit. Looked at the way her skin almost glowed in the lights. The way her back was straight as if she were sittin' in a throne.

He'd already turned away to go back inside when she spoke up.

"I've never heard quiet so loud."

Jayne turned back around. He looked at her again for a minute, then moved to sit down beside her.

He thought of her hand in his. Linked his fingers together and pretended like he hadn't.

"Isn't it past yer bedtime?" He looked in the same direction she was. Weren't nothin' there 'cept an old store, all closed up with a red dress in the window. Kinda purdy.

"Can't sleep."

"What's wrong?" He looked over at her and smirked. "'Nara snorin' too loud for ya?"

River turned to him, her eyebrows set in a way that made him sure she was outside for the same reason he was.

Then she turned to look at the window again.

So did he.

"No one can hurt you for hurting."

He looked back at her. "Huh?"

"Everybody does it. When they lose something. When something that was there isn't and they can't seem to remember how to walk." She turned and looked at him. Her eyes caught the light and held it. Almost like a cat's.

"It's okay to cry."

Jayne reared back. "Cry?" He snorted. Stared at her. She stared back.

He turned away. Felt like she was pokin' at his brain when she looked at him like that. "I ain't gonna cry. I ain't never cried and I got no reason to start now."

"You don't have to be wet to cry. Zoe cried dry. Sounded like a laugh. The Captain, too. Cried so hard they laughed." He could see her rock back in the corner of his eye, arms still around her knees.

Prettiest, craziest rockin' horse he'd ever seen.

"They didn't think they'd ever cry, either. Like you. Thought you have to swim around in salt to cry."

She was looking at him again. He could feel it.

"Can't help but lose some things. You have to cut the thread, or it takes you with it."

She was quiet after that.

He glanced at her. She had her head tipped to the side, lookin' at him.

"Jayne, Jayne. Two of the same. A rock like a stone and warm blood in his veins." She looked at him with those big eyes and a little smile on her mouth.

Weren't right for her to look at him that way. Or for him to look at her the way he knew he was.

She got up. He watched her skirt swirl around her shins. Couldn't look at her face.

She bent down in that way she had and kissed him. Light lips on his temple.

And she was gone.

Jayne let his breath out slow and shifted. Felt better not to hold still. Helped him almost convince himself he wasn't trying to hold on to that kiss. But he could still feel it, sittin' quiet-like on his temple, like a hole in his brain.

He shifted again. Mostly to make noise this time.

Then he sat, staring at the window across the way.

xxx

"River."

River drifted toward the surface of her dream.

"Meimei."

She broke the surface as Simon nudged her shoulder.

She opened her eyes.

He was smiling.

"Good morning."

River sighed and stretched her arms over her head. "Barely." She sat up and blinked drowsily. The dream was still swimming lazily around the edge of her brain.

It was bright outside. The sun had been up for a long time.

River liked having a sun to tell her that.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothin's wrong." Kaylee was there too, smiling.

River yawned. "Then why am I not asleep?"

Simon sat on the edge of her bed.

"Well, it's after noon. Other than that…"

He smiled. "Happy birthday, meimei."

Kaylee moved aside so River could see the cake on the table she had been leaning against.

River stared at it.

"Is that _mine?"_

Kaylee laughed. "Well, I was hopin' you would share. That's a real cake over there. Ain't no pile of protein, like Simon's was."

River looked back at Simon, who was grinning at her.

"I forgot."

Simon reached out a hand and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I didn't."

He picked up box up off of the floor next to the bed and handed it to her.

She took it, holding it carefully in her hands.

She looked back up at him. "Thank you."

Kaylee came over and put her hand on Simon's shoulder. "Well, open it! At least pretend you don't know what it is."

She crouched down next to the bed.

River felt herself smiling as she pulled the lid of the box off.

A wooden comb was lying on a pile of crushed tissue paper. There was a red lacquer rose standing out on the bridge of the comb, its petals delicately curved outward.

"Ooooh."

River heard Kaylee's sigh of admiration as she reached out to touch the rose. It was cool under her fingertips.

"That's even prettier than anythin' 'Nara's got."

Simon was pleased.

River looked at him as Kaylee nudged his shoulder. "Can't believe you picked that out yerself."

"Thank you." River wished she knew something else to say.

Kaylee got up, shaking the bed as she climbed onto it and crawled behind River.

River closed her eyes as Kaylee combed her fingers through her hair, easing the tangles out. She felt the rush of cool air as Kaylee lifted her hair off of her neck and twisted it up.

Kaylee reached over her shoulder to puck the comb up out of the box with reverent fingers.

River felt the teeth of the comb drag lines across her scalp as Kaylee slid it into place, securing her hair.

She blushed as Simon smiled at her.

"You look beautiful." He made a play-angry face and tugged on a curl that must have escaped Kaylee's attention. "I don't know if I like it."

Kaylee peered at her from over Simon's shoulder.

"Ai ya. We're gonna have ta beat the men away." She grinned. "I never knew what a beautiful woman was hidin' under all that hair."

Woman. When had that happened? A few hours ago she had been a girl. She didn't remember changing. Her skin still felt the same.

She was staring at her hands, trying to figure them out, when Kaylee put a piece of cake in them.

"Cake, River! Sugar! Butter!" Kaylee's mouth was full by the last syllable. She sighed audibly and River could feel a wave of pleasure come from her. "Gorram. This is the best birthday ever. And it ain't even mine."

River laughed. She wondered if that had changed. Her laugh.

She decided to stop wondering.

There was a knock at the door.

"Gorram vultures. They can smell it a mile away." But Kaylee was smiling when she went to open the door.

It was the Captain.

"Well?" Kaylee kept her hand on the door, looking sternly at the Captain. "Let's have it. You've come ta take our fun away, haven't you?"

"Wouldn't dream of it." He looked at the cake in Kaylee's hand. "But I also wouldn't say no to a piece of it, either." He turned his eyes on River and smiled. "If the birthday girl doesn't mind sharing, of course."

River smiled and nodded, unwilling to open her mouth and risk losing a grain of sugar.

"I come bearing gifts." He came fully into the room. River could see a big box in his hands. He moved toward River and held it out to her. "Not my gift. Someone else's. It was left for you at the desk without a name. I looked in it, of course. Just ta make sure it weren't deadly er nothin'." He leaned against the table the cake was sitting on. "I must say I wouldn't mind claimin' it was from me, if you didn't already know it wasn't."

River could barely hear him. She was staring at the box in her lap.

Kaylee dropped onto the bed next to her. "C'mon, c'mon. Open it!"

River put her hands on the lid of the box. Left them there for a minute. Then she opened it carefully. Reverently. She set the lid on the bed beside her and pushed the layers of tissue paper aside.

The sun fell across her lap at the perfect angle, making the red satin glow like coals.


	6. Chapter 6

"I look like a gorram fool."

Inara was lookin' at him, her head tipped to the side. "You don't."

"'Ceptin' that I do." He pulled on the noose around his neck again and scowled.

"You _don't. _And stop pulling at your tie." She moved toward him, fussin' at the gorram noose again. "You'll only make it worse." She grinned at him. Attemptin' to soothe him with her womanly charms.

Jayne scowled even more.

"Well my goodness."

Jayne looked in the mirror over Inara's shoulder. Kaylee was standin' in the doorway behind him, decked out in that fluffy pink cupcake Mal had gotten for her way back.

She was starin' at him.

"Well. Don't you clean up real shiny?" Her hand was at her neck, playin' with her necklace. She was blushing and her eyes were real bright. Shiny in a way that made a body want ta kiss her.

Jayne rolled his shoulders. Gorram jacket was too tight.

"I din' know ya even had somethin' like that."

Kaylee had moved behind him. He could just see her eyes over his shoulder.

"Jayne Cobb. In a suit. Who'da thought."

Inara finally stopped worryin' his tie and stepped back again.

Kaylee moved out from behind Jayne and went to stand next to Inara. She was standin' too close to her, makin' her skirt go skeewhompus.

Felt mighty uncomfortable to have them starin' at him like that. He wouldn'ta minded, normally, but he felt damn near nekkid in this getup.

"Didja steal it?"

Jayne snorted and half-smiled in spite of himself.

"Bought an' paid for. Mal got it fer me fer the weddin'." He rolled his shoulders again and looked at himself in the mirror. "Second time Wash's got me in a gorram suit."

His face itched where he'd trimmed his beard.

He could feel Kaylee's eyes on 'im. He looked over at her. She was starin' with those bright eyes. Bitin' her lower lip.

_Ai ya._

Inara cleared her throat and turned to Kaylee. "So!"

Kaylee looked away.

Jayne wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"What do you want me to do with your hair?" She put her fingers in Kaylee's hair and used them to steer her toward the mirror.

Jayne turned toward the door.

He felt Kaylee's eyes burnin' holes in his back as he went.

Inara made a noise with her tongue.

Jayne closed the door behind him.

xxx

River reached out a tentative hand and touched the mirror.

Her reflection did the same.

"I know." Simon was straightening his tie in the mirror next to her. "I was thinking the same thing about you myself."

He turned to her. Put his hands on her shoulders and turned her away from the mirror to look at him.

"Meimei." He was smiling. Proud of her for something.

"I can't remember when I turned my back long enough for you to grow up and get so… pretty."

River blushed and looked down at her feet. They didn't look like her feet. They were small and pretty in Inara's shoes.

Simon put his arms around her and hugged her. She put her cheek on his shoulder, letting him rock her back and forth.

"Happy birthday, Meimei."

River smiled against his shoulder. "You too."

xxx

Jayne slumped in his chair, spinning his glass of punch between his fingers. Zoe and Mal was standin' by Dallin and his wife, laughin' at somethin' Dallin was sayin'.

Part of Jayne wanted to join them.

Part of him just wanted to be left alone.

And part of him was afraid that if he was alone, he would start thinkin' again.

He'd been thinkin' too much lately. Wasn't like him. It was starting to cause problems.

Like the fact that he'd just blown half his gorram pay on a gorram dress.

_Ai ya._

He rubbed his eyes. They were sandy from havin' got no sleep the night before. He let his hand slide down his face.

His fingers stopped at his mouth.

Because the dress had just walked in.

And it was worth every gorram bit.

xxx

River was smiling. She could feel it, breaking her face in half.

She couldn't help it.

Tonight, she was walking in someone else's skin. Tonight, she was a woman. Pretty.

That's what the boy with the blue tie was thinking.

There were so many people here. People who never even knew Wash in person, but had heard his brother talk about him so often it was like they'd had.

People who didn't know any of them.

People who didn't know she was a little, broken girl.

So tonight, she wasn't.

She broke away from Kaylee and Simon and wandered toward the center of the room.

She could feel Wash everywhere. There were captures of him in every corner. In one, he was a child, jumping up and down, shouting something she couldn't hear.

In another, he was a teenager. Her age. Holding up a piece of paper and grinning.

In another, he was standing with his arm around Zoe's waist. She was wearing white. He was looking at her with a look of such amazement that River wanted to laugh.

So she did.

The fourth corner, River remembered. It was taken on the bridge. She remembered standing behind Kaylee as she shot it. He was holding up two dinosaurs. They were engaged in an epic battle. With sound effects.

She heard Zoe's laugh over the buzz music and talking. She had one hand on Dallin's shoulder and the other on her chest, doubled over as Dallin gestured wildly with his hands.

She was wearing white.

"Excuse me."

River turned. The boy with the blue tie was standing beside her.

She smiled just for him.

"I was wondering…" He smiled at her. His smile was crooked. "I was just wondering if you'd like to dance."

River smiled even wider. "I would love to."

So she did.

xxx

Jayne downed the rest of his drink in one shot.

A little kid came out of nowhere and refilled it. Jayne barely noticed him.

His ears were getting hot.

He felt like he was watchin' somethin' he shouldn't be. But he couldn't look away.

Took all the effort in him to keep from droolin' all over himself when she first come in. He'd never seen her like that before.

Her hair was up off her neck. Twisted some way, with a few curls coming out so she looked like she'd just had someone muss it up a bit.

Jayne's eyes had slid down her pretty neck, over the dress. Eying the way it fit her perfectly and made her skin so pale. Her hair so dark. His eyes had gone down to her feet. Back up again, lingering on the good spots.

He'd wanted to muss her hair up a bit more.

An' now… now she was dancin'. Weren't fair, how pretty she was when she smiled. How wild she was. How controlled. How her skirt swirled around her legs.

Her face was filled with a wild kind of joy that bounced off the walls and came smashin' together again. It was like watchin' a storm. Bein' in it.

It was like watchin' her fight. Beautiful an' scary an'… an'….

Beautiful.

She was absolutely nekkid when she danced. The dress was still on 'er, but you could see everythin' in her face. It was like watchin' her most intimate moment go on an' on an' on.

An' he caught himself wantin' to watch. Wantin' to be the cause of it.

Jayne shifted uncomfortable-like and downed his drink again.


	7. Chapter 7

It took him seventy-three minutes to stand up and walk over to her. Nine dance partners. Ten songs.

The boy in the blue tie had asked her twice.

Seventy-three minutes of feeling his eyes on her. Not minding that they were.

She stopped when she felt him beside her. Her skirt fell against her legs. Swirled out when she turned to him.

She was panting. Still smiling. Her heart was pounding and she was alive. Brought to life like Wash was tonight.

His arms were folded across his chest, making the shoulders of his jacket strain. His sheep's clothing was about to burst.

He wasn't looking at her. He was looking around the room. "Ain't one girl here purdy enough to dance with who ain't already with someone."

River looked over her shoulder to follow his eyes.

Kaylee was standing at the buffet table with Simon, laughing. They were eating strawberries.

She looked back at him.

He was looking at her now. "You've been with someone since you walked in the door. Got sick a' waitin' my turn."

He cleared his throat.

She smiled.

Then she took his hand.

xxx

If there was one thing that Jayne knew how to do, it was to kill a man. If there were two, it was to kill a man and to…

Well, the third was how to dance.

Not that refined kind of shuffle-shuffle dance that they taught you in finishin' school or wherever the doc had gone. Jayne's dancin' was the grab an' swing kind. The fun kind. The kind that brought River up against him real nice an' made her skirt swing out when she went away again. The kind that made a body feel like they was either flyin' or fallin' or both, but it was great either way.

He was pretty certain that more'n a few eyes were on the two of 'em. Mal an' Zoe had seen him dance before, but they was the only ones.

An' he knew he didn' exactly look like a twinkle toes.

Didn' seem to surprise River, though. She kept up with him real nice, smilin' an' laughin'. She had taken out the comb that was holdin' her hair back. The way she'd been dancin', it woulda come out anyway. Her hair was wild an' real tousled lookin' an' every time she came against Jayne he could smell it. It smelled like the soap they all used—clean an' kinda spicy. But there was something different in the way she smelled. Sweet an' wild an'… River-y.

Jayne wanted to grab a handful of it. Her hair. He wanted to clear off a table and put her on it and kiss her real hard, 'till neither one of 'em could breathe, an' he was swallowed up in that sweet smell an' her sweet mouth.

River was the kinda girl he'd kiss on the mouth.

She turned to him real suddenly. Lost her footing.

Jayne reached out and caught her around the waist before she fell. He pulled her against him without thinkin' about it.

Their faces were close. Close enough that he could feel her breath on his lips.

Jayne looked at her for a bit. Then he pulled his face back. "Don't you go fallin'."

She had a dazed kind of look on her face. She reached a hand up to touch his face. But she didn't. Her fingers just kinda hung there, close enough that they made his nerves jump.

Her voice was so quiet, he could barely hear her over the noise of the room.

"I think it's too late for that."

xxx

River wished that she could have stopped Simon from remembering her and rushing over at just that moment. She wished she could have finished it. But Simon came. And Jayne saw him coming. He righted her and stepped back and she felt lonely without his big arm around her waist.

"I'm fine."

She said it even before Simon had asked.

"Well that's a wonder, with the way you've been thrown around." He put a protective hand on her shoulder and looked down at her eyes.

She looked up at him and shrugged. "I've had worse."

He was quiet for a minute. Then he smiled. Strange how he smiled when he got sad.

"I suppose that's true."

He slipped his arm around her shoulders and steered her away from the dance floor, toward a table where Kaylee was sitting. "Still, I think you should take it easy for a bit. I don't think you've sat down since we got here. It's a wonder you didn't fall sooner."

River wasn't sure that she hadn't.

She turned toward the dance floor. Jayne was gone.

xxx

It was real dark, but Jayne found what he was lookin' for without havin' to really try. He'd found it for the first time while he was walkin' from the ship into town. It was the only place that was open this time of night.

The sign above the door was decorated with swirly writing-- The Lotus Pond.

The girls standing outside the door winked at him as he stepped inside.

The air was smoky, heavy with tobacco and perfume and sex. Girls were lounging in the front room, all but piled on top of each other. Creamy white legs were tangled with silky dark legs. Skirts and lace were all heaped together. Hair was tousled. Eyes were half-closed.

It looked like he had just walked in on the afterglow of an all-female orgy. Which was the idea, of course.

The fact that it was planned didn't make it any less trouser-tightenin'.

A girl came through the beaded curtain in the back of the room. She looked about 40. A bit too old for Jayne's first pick, but he wouldn't a said no if she'd crawled into his bed. She had a big mouth. Nice lips.

"Mister Cobb." She smiled.

"Good memory."

She tilted her head downward, all polite-like. "I do like to let our visitors know how much we appreciate having them back." Her pretty lips were still smilin'. "Would you like to take a look around?" She looked up at him through dark eyelashes, her face still tipped downward. "See if there's anything you'd like?" She swayed over to a little table and turned her back to Jayne, trailing her long fingers across the cover of the book lying there. She opened it slowly, so that Jayne could see her shoulder blades slide under the bare skin on her back.

Jayne's pants were getting' awful uncomfortable.

He ambled over to her, letting his hand graze her backside as he looked over her shoulder at the book.

She moved aside in a delicate way that reminded Jayne of Inara.

Jayne watched her appreciatively from under lowered eyelids, then looked down at the book. He began turning the pages slowly, looking over the pictures on each page.

He stopped at one, staring hard at it.

She had long, dark hair. Pale skin. Big eyes.

He trailed his fingers over the picture.

"She's one of our newest girls. Young." She fingered the edge of the photograph, her hand brushing Jayne's. "A dancer."

Jayne closed the book. Opened it again toward the back, well past that dark-haired girl.

"Her." He pointed at the picture.

"Same as last time." She brushed her shoulder across his chest as she reached across him to close the book. She smiled up at him. "I love a man who knows what he wants."

xxx

River hadn't seen him for the rest of the night. Or the next morning, when everyone woke up from sleeping off their drinks and they packed the mule back up and headed back to town. Or when they'd gotten back to the hotel and everyone slunk back into their rooms to keep sleeping their drinks off.

She'd finally agreed to go to lunch with Kaylee and Simon after having spent two hours on the front porch waiting.

"I ain't gonna be able to fit in the engine room after that." Kaylee rubbed her stomach as they walked, obviously feeling no regrets about the huge meal they had just indulged in. "'Fraid I ain't gonna be too desirable, neither, if you keep lettin' me eat like that." She nudged Simon with her shoulder.

Simon slipped his arm around her shoulder. "Impossible. Eat all you want. There will just be more of you to love."

River turned to look at Simon. Kaylee was doing the same. He didn't seem to have noticed what he had just said. Or maybe he did. Kaylee's thoughts were blaring out at her so loudly just now that River could hardly catch anything from Simon.

Yellow. Little pink hearts.

Kaylee blushed and giggled as Simon burrowed his face into her hair.

River smiled. Love.

She looked in the window of the shop they were walking past. It was garbage. Handcrafted garbage for tourists. She smiled at a purple glass octopus.

Simon suddenly put his arm around her shoulder, too, pulling her against him. He kissed the top of her head. River smiled at his affection. He had never kissed her before she had gone away.

"My two favorite girls and a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing,"

River heard no birds.

"And I don't have to do anything or be with anyone I don't want to." He was looking in the window now, too. So was Kaylee. River could see them all in the reflection on the glass.

A little family.

River turned away from the window and looked down the street.

"Jayne." It came out as a whisper.

"No Jayne. Isn't it wonderful?" Simon sounded more than a little pleased.

River turned to look at him. He was still smiling drowsily into the window, his hand rubbing Kaylee's arm lazily.

"No, Jayne." River slipped from under Simon's arm. She could feel him look after her. Feel him tense when he saw the big bulk of man come out of a building down the street.

River moved quickly down the street, her feet kicking up little clouds of dust as she walked.

Was she skipping? She couldn't remember.

She was closer to him, now, but he hadn't noticed her yet. He was talking to a woman who was smiling at him. River smiled to herself. She could surprise him. Stand on her tiptoes and cover his eyes.

She was closer. Then she stopped.

Jayne was leaning against the wall, trapping the woman between him and the wood. She could have gotten out. He only had one hand pressed against the wall, next to her ear. He bent down and whispered something to her.

No, he wasn't whispering, he was kissing. River could see the marks on her neck. And on his. Jayne lifted his hand and put it where he shouldn't have.

The woman laughed and turned her face toward River.

Her face.

Her face wasn't her own. She had stolen it. River knew that reddish hair. She had seen those eyes that wanted to turn up in the corners. That mouth. It was always smiling now. At her brother.

It was Kaylee's face. Kaylee's face, and not.

An eerie half-made counterfeit.

The woman noticed River and pushed Jayne away. He grunted and looked where she nodded to.

River never saw if he knew it was her. And she never heard. Her heart was pounding too loudly, echoing in her ears as she ran away.


	8. Chapter 8

_Ni ta ma de tian xia suo you de ren dou gai si._

Jayne took another pull from the bottle in his hand. He couldn't get the picture of River's back outta his brain.

He didn't mean to hurt her. That was the whole idea of buyin' a whore in the first place, so he could get rid of some of that heat that was burnin' him up without hurtin' her. Without makin' things too complicated.

_Fei hua. _Things was already complicated.

He put his head on the table, resting his forehead in the crook of his arm.

There she was. Hair swingin'. Runnin' like she was bein' chased.

He wondered if it shoulda been him chasin' her, 'stead a the doc.

He lifted his head back up after a minute. Looked at the barman, who looked back at him real bored.

"Don' worry. I ain't gonna-" he sat up. The bar pitched and rolled. He watched it until it settled back down, then looked back at the barman. "I ain't gonna wax all poetical atcha. But I reckon… I reckon you should be made awares that change… things changin'… is a _tah mah de._"

The barman's face didn't move. Jayne didn't know if he hadn't heard him or hadn't understood him or if he'd forgot to speak aloud. Didn't much care.

He took another drink. Had some idea of fallin backwards an' didn't remember much else.

xxx

River didn't leave her room. Not when Simon tried to bait her with leftover birthday cake. Not when she heard two people dragging someone down the hall and tossing that someone on Jayne's bed.

Not when she got messy images of arms and legs and her hair swinging as she ran and she knew he was dreaming about her.

There was a knock at the door. Simon pushed it open when she didn't answer.

"Mei mei?"

She knew how strange she looked. Felt his concern as he looked at her. She was sitting on the bed, turned away from the door, cradling her hand in her lap. She was staring at her palm.

Wondering if he was still there, under her fingernails.

"Lily's invited all of us to dinner. No doubt she wants us to help clean up after last night. Not that I blame her."

She turned her head toward him. He was leaning against the wall, his arms folded.

"Not hungry."

She turned away and stared down at her hand. Turned it over and spread her fingers.

Simon moved toward the bed and sat down next to her.

"I wish you would tell me what's wrong."

She curled her fingers into a fist before Simon could take her hand. He was so strong, and the smell of tobacco was already washing away.

Simon dipped his head down to look into her face.

"Mei mei?"

She lifted her head and looked at his eyes. Looked away again when she saw Kaylee there.

"I can't."

He tensed beside her. "What? River." He put his hands on her shoulders and moved off of the bed. Crouched in front of her.

"River, you can tell me. You can tell me anything. Did someone… did Jayne say something to you? Did he do something? River…"

River shook her head. No. Not to her. Yes and then no. Wrong. Right. Left. He left, and she was left. He had spun her around and around and she had fallen and—

"No one caught me. No one caught me when the equilibrium broke. And I shattered."

She held her hand up and opened her fist. Spread her fingers.

"Crash."

Simon didn't understand.

It was just as well.

xxx

Jayne opened his eyes. Regretted it right away.

He felt like his eyelids were flipped inside out. Like someone had stuffed his head full of dirt and took a leak in his mouth.

His stomach turned and he remembered why.

Hair, swingin'.

He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side with a groan. It felt like someone was sittin' in the middle of his brain screamin' at the top of their lungs.

He put an arm over his ear, tryin' to get 'em to shut up.

He opened his eyes again.

Someone really was screamin'.

He pushed himself up on his hands and ignored that sick feelin'. Peered around with one eye.

It was dark, but a streetlight was shinin' near his window.

Amante. Right.

The screamin' started up again.

"Shut up!" Shouting hurt. Echoed in his forehead.

He turned and put his feet on the floor. He was still wearin' shoes. An' pants. No shirt.

How the hell did he get here?

His shoulder slammed into the wall when he went for the door. Hurt like hell. He jerked the door open and stuck his head in the hall. Even with his eyes squeezed shut against the gorram light, he could tell the screaming was coming from the room across the hall.

River's room.

He pounded on the door, pressin' his other hand against his eyes.

Where the gorram hell was the doc?

He pounded again. Opened the door.

She was on the bed. He could barely see her in the light comin' in from the hall. But she was definitely the one screamin'.

"Knock it off!"

He winced as the words knocked around in his brain.

She stopped. Sounded like she was chokin'.

He could see her hands clawing at the air. See her legs kickin'.

She coughed, took a breath, an' screamed again. Weaker this time.

"Gorramit, girl!"

His head was pounding. He could hear his blood in his ears.

Jayne moved toward the bed. She was thrashin' so much he could barely get a hold of her shoulders.

She stopped screaming when he grabbed her. Went all limp.

He lifted her shoulders off the bed. Her head lolled back on her neck.

Creeped him out real bad. He shook her. Gentle-like.

"River."

She gasped and jerked her head up. She didn't scream, but her mouth was open. She thrashed and kicked and bucked, tryin' to get away from him. Her eyes were open. He could see the light glinting off them.

But he knew she couldn't see him. Whatever she was seein'… it weren't him.

Jayne grunted when her nails bit into his arms and gouged lines down to his wrists.

"River! Gorramit, girl, it's me!"

She swiped at his face and stuck a knee in his ribs. Pushed so hard he felt a crack.

He did the only other thing he could think of.

He dropped her shoulders. Let her fall back on the bed. And he slapped her.

She took a breath like she was comin' up from water. She wasn't thrashin' no more, but he could feel her shiverin'.

She didn't move for a long time, 'cept the shiverin'. Jayne sat on the bed for a bit. Watched her breathing and figured she was probably asleep again.

He got up. Turned for the door, catching a glimpse of his arms as he did.

Gorram girl had done a real number on 'em.

"They're all at the homestead. Washing up after Wash."

He turned back to her.

She was sitting up, smack dab in the middle of the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around 'em.

"Oh."

"I promised I would be fine. I promised."

_Ai ya._

She started cryin'.

Her voice was real hoarse from all that screamin'. She let out these little pathetic sobs that made Jayne real uncomfortable.

He sighed. Looked across the hall at his room.

Every inch of him ached. His arms stung. His head felt like a rock.

But somethin' in his head, behind the achin', told him some of them tears belonged to him. For what he'd done.

Made him feel like a gorram monster.

He pulled the door shut and went back to River's bed. He stood by her, lookin' down at her. Reached out a careful hand and touched her hair.

She turned her face. Brushed her cheek against his palm.

Before his brain could come up with a reason for him not to, Jayne sat on the bed and slipped an arm around her. He leaned back against the wall and pulled her against him, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

She curled up against him. Pressed her face against his neck and slid her arm across his belly, holdin' on to him. He could feel her tears on his shoulder. Her breath on her neck. He could smell her hair. Feel her body warming against his.

_Lao-tyen boo._

He was liable to start cryin' himself.

He held her, silent, until she stopped makin' those sad noises. Then until she stopped shiverin'.

He would have thought she was asleep if it hadn't been for the way her thumb was rubbing against his side.

She needed to stop that.

"You okay?" His voice was gravelly.

He cleared his throat and she shifted.

She didn't answer right away.

"Why didn't you catch me?"

Jayne tried to look down at her. Caught her hair in his beard.

"What was ya dreamin' about so hard?" He knew he was changing the subject. He rubbed his chin with the hand that wasn't on her arm.

She sighed. Made the nerves on his neck shoot messages all over the place.

"Monsters."

The way she said it was so… sad.

Jayne realized for the first time that this girl had faced more monsters—more real life horrors—than he ever would.

He put his other arm around her and pulled her closer. Put his cheek on the top of her head and clung to her like he could take it all away.

xxx

River closed her eyes. Let herself ride the rise and fall of his chest.

It felt good to be held on to. She wouldn't fly away when he was holding her like this.

She was afraid to move. Afraid that if she did, everything would break apart again and she'd be alone.

Alone was a scary word. It tasted bitter. She wasn't alone. Not really. She had Simon.

But Simon had Kaylee.

Kaylee.

River rolled the name around in her brain over and over again. She decided that she wasn't mad at her. It wasn't her fault that that woman had stolen her face.

And it wasn't Jayne's fault, either.

He was…

Broken. It was the only word she could think of. The equilibrium had left him behind, too.

His breath had gone deep and slow. He was sleeping.

She caught an image. Soft. Quiet. So close to being not there that she had to look out the corner of her mind at it before it went away.

She was dancing again.

She pulled away from him a little. Looked up at his face like she hadn't seen it before.

That was why he hadn't caught her.

He'd been falling, too.

His arms missed her. Reached for her in his sleep.

She slipped between them again and let him pull her close. And she laughed.

Because it was perfect.


	9. Chapter 9

Click.

Jayne knew that sound. It was the sound of a safety being pulled back.

_Tzao gao._

He opened his eyes slowly. Refused to let himself look surprised.

The first thing he saw was the barrel of a gun. The second thing was Mal.

His eyes looked just as likely to shoot fire as the barrel did.

"I can't decide whether to shoot you now or wait for the black to suck your brain out of your face while you try to scream. Reckon I'll do both, you _liou coe shway duh biao-tze huh hoe-tze fuh ur-tze._"

Mal was just starin' down at him. His jaw was clenched. The gun was perfectly level.

Jayne kept his eyes on Mal as he slowly slid up the wall and sat up.

Jayne risked a glance around. His head was swimmin'. Still a little hungover.

River was sitting by the window, cryin'. The doc was holdin' her. He had a look in his eyes to match Mal's.

A murderin' look.

What the gorram hell had just happened?

Jayne's brain slowly started sliding in place. The bed was practically stripped bare after River's thrasin' last night. What sheets there were were smeared red.

Blood.

His blood. From his arms. Where River had clawed at him, tryin' to get away.

His eyes went back to River. There was a purple bruise on her cheek where he had smacked her. Five dark, round bruises on her upper arms.

_Shi. Shi. Shi._

"Get your eyes off of her, you _hwoon dahn._"

Mal lunged and Jayne jerked back, smacking his own head against the wall.

Mal had him by the throat. Had the barrel of the gun pressed between Jayne's legs.

_Shi._

"Is everythin' o—oh! Oh my God, what happened?"

Kaylee. Fan-ruttin'-tastic.

Jayne couldn't see nothin' but Mal's face. Burnin' eyes.

"Cap'n!"

Gorram it, Kaylee. Don't touch 'im. Safety's off.

Jayne tried not to choke. Tried to make due with the hair of breath he was gettin' in an' out.

"Cap'n! Cap'n, STOP!"

Kaylee. Jayne could barely see her through the red haze that was creepin' in.

She pulled on Mal's shoulder. Just a blur.

Jayne's heart was poundin' in his ears.

He heard Kaylee cry out. Mal had pushed her away. The gun was back a second later and his hand was tighter on Jayne's throat.

Jayne tried not to thrash. Tried not to set the gun off. His hands went to the hand at his neck before he could stop them. Mal just pushed Jayne's neck tighter between his hand and the wall.

Couldn't hear a damn thing now.

Wished he'da known how ta pray.

xxx

They were all so angry. She'd been sitting by the window, watching the sun wake up while Jayne slept. A pile of Jayne on the bed.

She'd seen the blood as the sun came up. Seen the marks on his arms. Looked down and saw the blood on her hands.

"_She goes wooly again, we're gonna haveta put a bullet to her."_

"_The thought has crossed my mind."_

Oh, God. What had she done?

She had panicked. Tried to remember before she'd woken up to Jayne hovering over her looking angry and terrified.

Tried to remember. But the bile was rising in her throat and she couldn't breathe.

Then Simon had opened the door. Seen her by the window. Jayne on the bed. The blood.

Shouting. Mal.

And now Jayne was fading and River still couldn't breathe. She couldn't remember if it was because of what she'd done or because Jayne was dying. Who she was frightened for.

Simon jerked toward Kaylee when Mal threw her off. But he stayed with River. Stayed with her because she was drowning. Drowning like Jayne.

They were killing him. She had blood on her hands and he was dying.

"STOP!" The word tore out of her strangled throat. Burst it apart.

She couldn't remember how she got to the bed. How she'd gotten a hold of Mal's hand.

All she remembered was the gunshot.


	10. Chapter 10

White. Black.

Red.

People were screaming. He could hear them through the cotton in his ears.

He could hear them.

He wasn't dead.

The red haze in front of his eyes started spreading out. The screaming became clearer.

Seemed odd to him that his eyes were open and he couldn't see.

Someone was holding his face.

River?

The face above him sharpened.

Kaylee.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Jayne. Say somethin'. Oh my God."

Jayne blinked. Grunted.

Kaylee pulled his face against her shoulder. He could feel it shakin'. She was cryin'.

He let his head rest there for a minute. Let the blood get out of his ears and his eyes figure out what they was for. Let the feel of his cheek on her neck get in him.

Then he pulled away.

Hurt like hell.

It suddenly occurred to Jayne that he was bleedin'. His leg was bleedin'… dangerous close to little Jayne… and the bed was smokin'.

Gorramit, he'd been shot.

Kaylee took up a bundle of sheets and pressed it against the blood.

Jayne pushed her hand away and lifted the sheet. Looked carefully at the wound. Looked more like it was made by a knife than a gun.

Just a graze, then.

He put the sheet back down. Pressed against it himself and looked past Kaylee ta where River was standing. Her face was in her hands and her shoulders were shaking. The doc was standin' with her. Mal was standing to the side.

He was still glaring at Jayne with cold eyes.

"It's okay, mei mei. It's okay." The doc was cooin' at River, strokin' her hair.

River dropped her hands and looked at Jayne. She had blood on her cheeks. From her hands. Tears everywhere.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was barely above a whisper. Choked-soundin'.

Jayne looked down at the sheet. The blood had soaked through.

xxx

She'd tried to explain. Tried while Kaylee brought Jayne back to life.

He was bleeding. She'd made him bleed again. So much blood.

She'd tried to explain that Jayne hadn't hurt her. That she'd hurt him.

She'd tried to keep everything from coming out sideways.

Simon was trying to understand her. But his eyes were narrow as he touched the side of her face. And he didn't try to stop Jayne from bleeding.

The Captain wasn't even listening.

River couldn't bear to look at Jayne. His eyes were open. But they were closed. Kaylee hovered over him crying. Begging for him to wake up.

River couldn't decide why she couldn't look at him. If it was because of his face or the blood or because Kaylee was there instead of her.

She was crying and she didn't know why and Simon was telling her it was okay when it wasn't.

She only looked up when she felt his eyes on her.

"I'm sorry."

He looked away. Her heart wilted.

"She—" His voice was hoarse. Quiet. "She was havin' a nightmare. I come in here 'cause she was screamin' like a banshee and no one was stoppin' her." He looked at Mal. Then at Simon. "Guess you all was at some real exclusive party."

River could hear Simon grinding his teeth.

Jayne coughed. Winced. Kaylee got up and left the room.

"She wouldn' wake up. Kept thrashin' and clawin'. Tore me up real bad. Guess you seen that, though."

Kaylee came back in. She had a cup, which she gave to Jayne. Jayne took it and held it.

He looked at it. Didn't drink from it, though.

"She wouldn' wake up. So…" He looked up. At River. She felt her heart sped up.

He nodded at her cheek.

"So you hit an eighteen year old girl."

Jayne's eyes flashed to Simon.

"What was I supposed ta do? She was liable to hurt herself worse with the way she was carryin' on."

"Care to explain the other bruises she's got?" River looked over at the Captain. His voice was like black ice.

"Well, she was thrashin' around! I had to hold on ta her."

River looked back at Jayne. His eyes were going between Simon and the Captain.

His voice was gruff. "I did what I thought was right."

He continued to look between Simon and the Captain. Then his eyes settled on the Captain. The Captain stared hard at him. Jayne stared back.

"Guess I thought wrong."

He stood up. Kaylee went for him, to push him back on the bed, but he pushed her away. River's heart was pounding.

"Well I ain't gonna stay where I ain't wanted."

He tore off a piece of the sheet and wrapped it around his leg.

No one else moved.

River felt like she was stuck in mud. Slowly being sucked downward.

He limped toward the door. Looked around at them.

He held River's eyes for a long time. She couldn't read them. She felt deaf. Blind.

She wanted to shout to him that he was wanted. That she wanted him.

But she'd lost her voice.

He turned his back to them and limped out the door.


	11. Chapter 11

He heard her before he saw her. Felt her even before that.

"Go away."

He took a drink from his flask as a pair of dusty boots appeared next to him.

"I'm sorry."

He didn't respond. Kept lookin' straight ahead.

His throat hurt every time he swallowed. His leg throbbed. He'd walked out of town. Opposite direction of Dallin's house. He'd stopped when his leg hurt so bad he couldn't stand it no more.

He hurt.

It hurt that she'd let them do that to him.

Hurt worse that she'd let him leave.

River's back. Hair swingin'.

Guess he'd deserved to be hurt.

"Where are you going?"

She dropped down next to him, tucking her arms under her knees.

He took another drink.

"I ain't goin' nowhere. Ain't got nowhere to go." He turned his head to look at her. "But I sure as hell ain't getting' back on that boat."

Jayne stood. Tried not to wince. Tried not to limp as he walked away. Couldn't sit still next to her.

He could hear River trottin' after him.

"Can't jump ship now. Yo ho, yo ho."

Jayne shot her a look over his shoulder.

She shrugged.

Jayne grunted.

"Well I ain't gonna stay where I ain't welcome."

"It's all pretend. They were scared. They have nothing to do, so they worry. Worry worry. All of them."

Jayne took another drink.

"They worry about me. They worry about you. They worry so they won't have to worry."

Jayne turned on his heel, facing her. "But there ain't nothin' to gorram worry about!" He looked at her and she looked back. She didn't have to say nothin'. He turned away again. Picked up his speed best he could so she would let him alone.

She kept up with him. But she didn't say more.

Didn't matter. Nothin' she coulda said would convince him to get back on that boat. He wasn't going back. He was fed up with Mal. Fed up with his pickin' and bossin' and accusin'. Fed up with always gettin' blamed and always bein' watched. Fed up with bein' mean and stupid and not more th'n muscle.

His throat ached.

"You are more."

He stopped, turnin' on her again. "How would you know? You don't know nothin' about me."

She looked up at him all calm-like.

He glared at her. Glared into those big, calm eyes and wanted to hate her for knowin'. For bein' right. For seein' it.

But he couldn't.

He hated that most of all.

He turned away again like he could put distance between them. But she kept up with him.

She left him in peace for a bit.

It was hard to breathe, with his throat all tight like it was. Not just from Mal, neither.

"It's not your fault."

He wheeled on her, somethin' in him flaring.

"No. It ain't. It's yours."

The bare, flat look in her eyes was worse than if she had cried.

Jayne stared hard at her, clenching his jaw. "It was you. You muddied everythin' up. Churned it all up with yer… with… everythin'. I was fine. Fit. And then you decided ta…"

He towered over her. "_You _came inta my bunk. _You…_ you…" He threw his hands into the air. "You _changed_ everythin'."

He growled. Walked past her, his arm bumping her shoulder.

Her voice was quiet-like.

"You asked me to dance."

He turned. She had turned to him, looking small. Wasn't right for her to be lookin' so vulnerable. So tiny. Her hair all mussed up and her face still pink from cryin'. The bruise still dark on her cheek.

He grit his teeth. "Yeah. But that was only after-"

"Before." She shook her head. "Before. At night and when you weren't trying not to.

"And I danced for you. I fell even before I took your hand. And last night you caught me."

She smiled.

Damn near broke his heart.

He looked into her big, dark eyes. He was drowning.

"River, I… You're… gorramit, girl." His voice was softer than he'd meant it to be. "You're just a kid."

She smiled as she moved toward him.

She took his hand and moved closer. Put it on the small of her back.

Strange, how small she was. How his hand seemed to take up her whole back.

She tipped her head back, looking up at him all pretty-like.

Jayne lifted a hand. Brushed his fingers softly along her bruise.

She trailed her own fingers along his jaw. Down his throat, where Mal's fingerprints still stung. "Thank you for catching me."

Her other hand slid up his arm, leaving his skin tingling in its wake. Her fingertips rested on his shoulder. Almost too light to feel.

She smiled. Lifted up on her toes, pressing the length of herself against him.

"Little girl." His voice was husky. His body ached. It was hard to breathe, with her so close. With the warmth of her against him. "You're playin' with fire."

He slipped his hand behind her neck, winding his fingers into her dark hair.

She put her fingers on his jaw. Pulled his face down to meet hers.

Her lips were sweet. Dusty. Sunny. Worth having.

He pressed his hand into her back evenly, letting his lips taste her. Letting her taste him. Letting his brain stop and his belly burn.

She pulled away too soon. Her eyes were half-closed. Dark. Satisfied.

Her lips were still close. Close enough for him to feel them move as she whispered.

"But it feels so good to be warm for once."

She closed the space of breath between them.

And they burned.


End file.
